The structure of my unhinged life.

The six lines of the hexagrams of the I Ching divide our lives into six phases,

1. the acquiring of skill,
2. the making of friends,
3. the consideration of one's prospects,
4. the demonstration of one's abilities,
5. the finding of one's place and
6. the leaving of one's footprint,

and as all people, I'm on my way through them. A way however, that has led from one terrain to another.

My fate was firmly rooted in the age of works, following the ideal of beauty, living in a state of trepidation (in der Bestürztheit der Beklommenheit), seeking the necessary tools to handle the challenges of the future.

I acquired some skill, didn't make many friends and didn't see many prospects, but deep down inside I kept my pride and my hopes and when the time had come to demonstrate my abilities I met Wiebke and I could see that she had similar notions about the shape of the six phases of life and how to advance through them, though I was afraid that they were not quite similar enough to mine.

In any case I was forced on a path of demonstration that didn't quite demonstrate the abilities that I would have had to demonstrate, in order to proceed according to my notions, not because I followed her and not because I didn't follow her either, it was unavoidable, my notions were unrealistic and so were hers.

I got stuck, things grinded to a halt: What good is it to advance in a life that isn't yours? I tried it with humility, but the world slapped it in my face. I offered to do my duty and pursue my hopes in my spare time, but the world wanted not only my service, but also my soul. It can't have it and I couldn't have another world.

Thus went the years by until I accepted another fate, namely that I'm in God's hands, receiving whatever he has in store for me (die Bestürztheit der Besessenheit). I was still in the phase of demonstrating my abilities though and the change in fate didn't alter my progression through the phases of life. But now I needed to demonstrate that being in God's hands was not the end and so I prayed for Him to make it so, to demonstrate the power that He has to help those, who ask Him.

I was 30 years old and it was Christmas. I figured it was my last chance. Well, and since I've been working in my way to find my place, that is orient myself and then see how it fits in with what other people have professed.

So, there you have it, time can stand still, but it does not flow backwards, and looking at its flow is quite different from floating in it, as he understands, who truly remembers and finds the world empty, bereft of all loose ends.